I got a phone call today from our dental insurance company regarding coverage for Milo. (Milo recently had his first dentist appointment with a great pediatric dentistry practice.) The insurance company wanted to know if Milo had any additional insurance coverage.
I told them no, Milo was covered under my name.
The insurance person asked, “So, no additional insurance coverage from the natural father?”
Excuse me? Natural father? “No,” I repeated. “He’s covered under my name.”
“Oh,” said the insurance person. “It’s just that your names are different. He’s Clark and you’re Chen.”
I explained that I just didn’t change my name and that Milo’s father and I were indeed married. But nevertheless, Milo did not have additional coverage under his father.
As I hung up the phone, I felt a little indignant. I understand it’s a little confusing that I didn’t take my married name, but in this day and age, why make the assumption that the different names meant that I wasn’t married to the father of my son? Because that was the implication with the term “natural father.” Why not just say “father”? And what does it matter anyway?
Milo’s full name is “Milo Chen Clark.” Chen is his middle name. We decided not to hyphenate, but that Milo would be “Milo Chen Clark” and that we would be known as the “Chen Clark Family.” Still, on the insurance forms, he was “Milo C. Clark.” Annoying that insurance forms don’t conform to our vision of our child’s name. I realize this will not be the last time we have this confusion over my relationship to my own child.
Still, there are very specific reasons I chose not to take my married name. I got married at the age of 38, after I was already well established professionally and personally as Sabina Chen. I had no desire to re-invent myself as “Sabina Clark” or even as “Sabina Chen Clark.” More importantly, being Asian American was a big part of my identity and changing my name to “Clark” seemed to undermine who I was. “Clark” is so very…WASP. It felt incongruous to me.
Blake didn’t really care what name I took and we knew plenty of families like ours: mom keeps maiden name, children take father’s name or some combination of the two. Welcome to the 21st century, right?
The other day, I heard Blake explain Milo’s full name to someone. Then he said, “We figured when he gets older he can choose–”
I interrupted, “Choose whether he wants to embrace the Chen side of his identity? Because he doesn’t have a choice about the Clark side!”
Did I destine my child to be a WASP?
Probably, when Milo comes of age, he will reject both his parents’ names and make up some anagram of the two. Milo Carlcheck or Charnleck. Will accept suggestions for anagrams.
Well at least Milo is already exhibiting an independent spirit — congrats on that!
I am divorced, and my kids have a different last name than mine. My daughter was hospitalized a few years ago, and because my husband is remarried and his new wife shares his last name, the nurse initially refused to let me into my daughter’s room. Obviously, I wasn’t the mother…
Um, huh?
You’re right: In this day and age, the assumption should never happen. But it does…
Changing your name can sometimes feel like changing your identity…good on you for refusing to do so! It’s rather shocking to think that some people these days still think that a woman must change her name once she’s married. I’m not trying to get all “feminist-power-y” here, but come ON!
Great post and congrats on being Freshly Pressed! 🙂
Yup, he’ll create a whole new awesome last name 🙂 Awesome picture.. and great post!
Edwin
Living in Germany, I witnessed three large “family naming law” changes throughout my life. We got a lot of Müller-Breits here or Schmidt-Wohlfahrt – where married people chose both names with a dash… some lucky ones even carry triple names…we all stuck to one and so in my family, we got all different names… it kind of suits us, so as you say: my kids might choose one day their own!
This post hits close to home for me. I grew up with a mother that kept her maiden name. She still has to carry a copy of their marriage certificate with her at all times to do simple things like pick up the car after an oil change. You’d think that because there are a large number of men and women who choose not to join names people would be more sensitive with their words. Interesting post, thanks for “venting” a little bit. I know there are many families who are in this position.
I really like your views. Kiudos to you for not wanting to re-invent yourself and your husband was very supportive. You go girl!!!!! Wishing you all the best.
Kudos
I kept my name for a lot of the same reasons as you and now that we’re expecting, I wonder what will happen down the road when we have a different last name. You’d think people would keep up with the times by now!
Great article! 🙂
I kept my name when I got married at 25. It’s funny, because I’ve been reading a lot of articles recently which suggest that women of my generation are actuallly less likely to keep their original names than the generation of their mothers. I think it has to do with the perception that ‘feminism is dead,’ so women don’t need to keep their names anymore to prove a point about their identity.
It wasn’t really a feminist issue for me. I just didn’t really see a reason to change my name (and my husband agreed). But we haven’t decided yet what we will do for names if we have children. I really like the solution you have decided upon! 🙂
While it is a bit surprising that the insurance person would use the term “natural”, in some ways it’s not, considering all of the variations that are cropping up, especially in the more urban and liberal environs. That said, it’s still unnecessary to dig. It’s personal information that they don’t need, only whether or not there was/is a secondary insurance carrier.
I understand the professional issue and standpoint. Many female doctors who get married after having attained their graduate degrees seem to either keep their maiden name or hyphenate it.
As far as a woman keeping her maiden name just because she wants to… that seems to primarily be a “liberal” thing, and something that a definite minority of women in this country do.
All that said, I worked with a guy who has a hyphenated last name – and he’s in his sixties. He’d get very indignant if people only called him by the second part of his last name, and not both.
Interestingly I have a second cousin named Milo – he’s ten – and he also lives in Massachusetts with his family.
As far as heritage goes. I’m a mutt, and growing prouder of it every day. I’ve gone through my Cajun snobbish period, but I’m outgrowing it. I’ve got just as much Creole and Islenos blood in me, not to mention other sundry Western European blooodlines. My heritage is nice, but it’s not my identity, especially since the further you go back, we all are related to each other and cultures and civilizations shift, change, grow, etc. Maybe I shouldn’t focus on my Cajun heritage but instead my Frankish heritage, or better yet, Gaulic/Germanic, or even earlier, Celtic, etc. Where do we draw a line? I am an American, born and raised, and so are you. But, let’s not nationality or cultural heritage define us. There are far more important things to define ourselves, like faith and family and ideology.
Isn’t it funny how people think you should do what THEY did? I don’t plan on changing my name either, and you would think I said, “I plan on cutting my fingers off and eating them” based on the looks I get!
Insightful post, congratulations on FP!
Cute story and I feel your frustration!! My children are always called something other than THEIR actual name! My son’s name is Jake, and when he was younger, before his name was popular, everyone tried to call him Jacob!
He learned to say – at an early age – “Its JUST JAKE!”
My daughters name is Brianne, yet everyone tries to call her Brianna!
totaly understand why you would keep your own name!!
When I took my Husbands, I started to get mail and phone calls in Spanish! I don’t speak spanish- just the minimum!! Hola!
I love this post. I got married last year and although I am fairly young and not necessarily established in my career yet (nor do I have any children), I still chose not to change my name. It’s MY name. Why would I change it just because I’m married? I’m still married, even if it doesn’t look like it on paper. I often get irritating comments from people who disapprove of my choices, but I am happy with my decision. My husband didn’t care what I did with my last name as long as I was marrying him.
Your post inspired me to eventually write my own post on the same topic. Thanks! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Oh boy did you open a can of worms! When ever we choose to be different in this world, we also choose all the things that go along…all the pain in the assery red tape with insurance et al you will be dealing with ad infinitiy, just be prepared. I named my son Danee 22 years ago BEFORE anyone had named their daughters or anyone else that same name to be different, so he would not have to answer the Please tell us your full name . . .that is MY full name not Daniel, not anything else it is pronounced Danny, we have had all different ridiculous pronunciations, we have received Beauty Pageant forms for him to take part in, girl magazine subscriptions, etc. Nothing is ever easy in THIS world, be prepared, from a mother WHO KNOWS!!!!!
My son’s first name is Stephan. That is the German spelling but we use the English pronunciation -Steven. Even though Stephan is definitely a male name, regardless of which pronunciation, I don’t know how much junk mail we have gotten for distinctly feminine items (including a “Welcome to Puberty” kit for girls complete with feminine hygiene items) addressed to “Stephanie.” I can assure you that he has no use for the “Tiger Beat” subscription and the Justin Bieber poster, and no interest in a career in cosmetology, though the Tampax might come in handy if he gets a bad nosebleed. 🙂
Milo is darned cute, whatever his surname. or surnames.
Yup. All the things I hate in the world: Insurance and telemarketers.. Cute pic though:) Thanks for the giggle
You would think people would be used to women keeping their last name by now, but it takes time. Back in the 70s I applied for a gasoline credit card in my name, and requested the second card for my husband. They set up the account in my husband’s name. After a polite but very firm letter (yes, we used letters in those days), wherein I explained he didn’t even want the credit card, they set up the account in my name. It takes time for people to change . . . sigh.
I know a lady who didn’t take her husband’s surname, b/c she was already licensed as a nurse. TBQH, I don’t blame her in the slightest.
Its such a bummer that something as simple and necessary as a name can cause heartburn. I guess we’ve been pretty lucky… I never married my daughters dad, and she has my last name. But I can’t think of one time that assumptions have been made about her parentage, at least related to names. I HAVE had strangers assume she’s not mine because she’s pretty blond and I have such dark hair. If my daughter and I are out with a blond girlfriend people will compliment my friend on her adorable daughter.
As an aside though, it sounds like White Anglo-Saxon Protestant has negative connotations for you, which is unfortunate, as having negative connotations about any culture is unfortunate. But cultural labels aside, I wouldn’t worry about having destined Milo to be a WASP; he’ll be his own person.
When I remarried 29(geez…) years ago, I added my husband to my insurance since I already had a family plan and it wouldn’t cost any more. I had two children and he was single. I took his name mainly because I liked it better than mine. I was always getting insurance rejections and having to call and talk to some twit. Hospital and doctor clerks are not any better. They cannot understand why my children’s names are different and my husband is not the payee. And it never ends. When my husband turned 65, they “assumed” medicare was his only nsurance. When I finally got the clerk at my GP straight, she quit and I had to start all over again. So I guess I am saying, “IT NEVER ENDS!”
People on the other end of the line can be so effing prying. And they always sound as if you are the one who is so totally stupid.
I chose to change my name and my son’s name to his step father’s when we got married. I just got tired of explaining to school bureaucrats, insurance crazies, library staff and to everybody else who felt entitled to know everything about my past. It was so unfair to my son that there was this constant assumption about him being an illegitimate (what the f*^^ is that anyway?) child. The world would be so much easier and nicer place to live in if everybody would just start minding their own business…
My mum uses both her maiden name and her married name, which is really confusing when she can’t remember which name she gave the optician, dentist etc.
I think it’s interesting how opinionated people can be about matters such as these. In the end it’s a choice each individual must make, but goodness, people can be difficult. I’m sorry to say that I would be one of those people who would assume you weren’t married to Milo’s dad. Divorce, I’m familiar with, but it was only a little over a year ago that I first met a married couple that didn’t have the same last name. It seemed really odd to me at the time, though I’ve since grown accustomed to it. I just wonder what the statistics are regarding name changes in marriage.
This is awesome! but (as you know already) I changed my name. I was so relieved to find someone who wanted to share his name with me that I nabbed it. Not that I don’t love my Dad’s name and all the great history that it carries, but I was ready and willing for the change. Though I’m already inventing stage names for my kids for when they’re Rich-n-Famous because ours is too easy to mispronounce. hugs to you, Sabina! and congrats on the wordpress front page-ness!
Sorry you encountered such rudeness. Unfortunately it seems to be fairly common for people to misunderstand when mother-and-child don’t share a last name, despite the multitude of reasons for that in this day and age.
I wonder if (and I hope) this tendency to question naming conventions will be lessened with the increase is multi-culturalism in America. My significant other is from a Hispanic culture. His full name is in the format FirstName FathersLast MothersLast. (Most of the time MothersLast gets dropped off in typical usage (especially on US legal forms that allow for just one name), but remains part of the person’s identity. He could, just as easily list his last name (unhyphenated) as FathersLast MothersLast) and still be “correct.”
If we someday marry, point of his cultural reference would be for ME to keep my name, but for our kids to carry his name AND mine. As you experienced, it will likely confuse the heck out of healthcare professionals, insurance companies, and schools for a while to come.
Do insurance man really call by natural?
One of my faourite poet said: “what is in a name?” So, yes go girl.
Great post! I am feeling indignant for all women. I am Italian, I live in Ireland. I have grown up in a country where women keep their identity and do not change their name when they get married. I have however met so many girls here (Irish and surprisingly from the majority of European countries) that feel shocked at the idea of not taking their partner’s name after marriage. They couldn’t think having a different name then their children.
Why does it have to be so hard for women to keep their identity throughout their life?
I can’t decide which I find more irritating–the fact that you had to explain your family situation (and ‘natural’? gross) or the “secondary insurance” garbage. At least half of my married female friends did not change their names–surely your insurance forms also showed your status as married? One quick little check and they could have spared you the awkwardness.
And secondary insurance. Yeah right. We’re so overinsured in this country, that people like to go about hiding all the extra insurance they have.
Before this becomes more of a rant on insurance companies…Milo is adorable! Adorable enough to not even have to mess with a surname, like Madonna or Cher;)
Milo is going to grow up to be an individual, independant, and great person!
loved the read, very interesting 🙂
Cheers,
Arjun Kay
http://arjunsmind.wordpress.com/
Lovely Post.
Unique.
http:photogirl23.wordpress.com
Amy
sweet article. made me introspect !
I liked reading this post a lot – I find it bizarre that people nowadays would make an assumption about your marital status one way or another based on your child’s last name! There are so many reasons not to change your name after you get married, at least as many as there are to change it!
My best friend is getting married this fall and she and her fiance are actually smushing their names together, which I find kind of adorable, frankly! I didn’t realize how sensitive of a topic it was until she started telling me how people were reacting to their decision.
I think in some cases that people have to make sure as far as that goes, with the amount of divorce and custody battles that go on in this day and age. At the same time, assumptions are not good to make either.
I think that everyone should be able to make the choice of whether they want to keep their name or not, and not be judged for it by either party who decided whether they wanted to or not. Personally, I will change my name when I get married, but that’s my own decision. There’s nothing wrong with someone else who doesn’t want to not to change theirs.
Funky things do happen with names and such today. My son’s male biological contributor relinquished his parental rights when I remarried- so we changed our son’s last name to our family name when my husband adopted him.
Now my son is expecting a child of his own. My father had the dubious distinction of having three daughters- and an unusual family name that he would have liked to have passed on, but all of us took our husbands’ names when we got married.
Since my husband is not my son’s biological father, (and they have not had the greatest relationship) and our family name is a very common one, my son wants to change his surname to my maiden name. He wants both to honor my father who has been a huge positive influence in his life, and pass along the family name. His child will have my maiden name which is a bit bizarre- but it’s what he wants to do. 🙂 How’s that for complicated? I admire you wanting to honor your heritage by keeping your name. I guess I never really thought about it too much- because I’m about as whitebread a WASP as you can get.
I can see where you’re coming from though. Maybe I would have thought it funky if my husband had one of those difficult to spell and pronounce Slavic names or a name that doesn’t really match up to my ethnicity. Even though my husband is predominately native American, his last name is an English name (my maiden name is uncommon – but it’s also an English name) so I didn’t give it a lot of thought.
When my son was little- and he was as blond, pale and blue-eyed as they come- my husband, who has dark hair, a dark complexion and brown eyes would get not a few stares when they were out together. He got some questions and raised eyebrows from the elementary school when he came to pick our son up at school until they got to know him.
We haven’t come to the point of getting beyond names and ethnicities- and should we really? I think it’s a good thing to appreciate one’s heritage. Sometimes white people are afraid to appreciate their heritage because so many people equate being proud of being Anglo or being of Nordic or Celtic descent with racism or white supremacism. (Hitler didn’t do us any favors with that one BTW!) No one is “better,” just different. And with the way the world is moving, the cultures and races are all getting mixed up and more diverse anyway.
How come your husband didn’t take your name? (That’s none of my business, no need to answer, but I just thought the question needed to be asked since nobody else mentioned it.)
I think the “taking husband’s name at marriage” is a much bigger decision than people realise before they’ve made it – whichever way they go. And all options are likely to offend someone!
Thanks for the thought-provoking post – that Milo is certainly a cutie!
How frustrating. I’ve been married for 16 years and have always regretted changing my name. Immediately after we got married, I began a new job and had to introduce myself to an entire office as someone else! It felt strange and still doesn’t feel like my name. Kudos to you for keeping your name and for pointing out inequitable (and sadly, all too common) treatment of women who don’t do what I regret having done!
I could never change my name – hard decision
nice post
Nice post. When I was 16, I hyphenated my last name to include the names of both my parents. When I got married, my wife kept her name. She didn’t want the confusion of whether she was one of the hyphens or the other. She also had her own identity to claim and I had no need to usurp it. Then we had our first daughter. By then, I had shortened my name to my mother’s surname (mostly in conversation, both names are on all my identification) so that’s the one she has. A much longer story follows when we went on the adoption adventure that blessed us with a second daughter. Maybe I’ll tell the full tale someday.
Anyway, the really important thing is that Milo is name enough to give your son happy troubles. We as parents just concentrate on Who our kids are rather than What they are named. Nicknames, titles, and other honorifics come from everyone else.
Best to you and yours.
I kept my maiden name as my middle name and it’s been three years, but my new name still feels awkward. The only reason I did it was for my son so I wouldn’t deal with the confusion, but I wish I didn’t feel like I had to.
It’s confusing to me now!
Great post! I’m getting married just a few months and the name change issue was a long discussion for the two of us. Bravo for making the choice the was right for you and not just conforming to what’s expected!
Great article! And Milo looks like a great little guy, he will respond to his surnames later on in life. I have my mothers last name as my middle name too, and ‘ve responded my hole life to ignorant people who did’nt belive my mother was my real mother: I have two parents and two surnames! My Mom was actually one of the first women in Norway to choose not to change her name when she married my dad in 1956! She got a lot of trouble for it, and she loved it! You go girl, your name is beautiful, and so is your son!
here’s the deal. when i got married, i didn’t change my name either. and i’m from iowa…so here, that’s certainly a social deviation. but i am who i am, and i didn’t feel like i needed to change my last name to commit to somebody for life. in fact, i felt that it was a sign of respect on his end to support my decision to keep my last name. although we ended up divorced 🙂 my son still keeps his fathers name. i feel your pain.
Great post, great picture. Milo is, indeed, an individualist.
I hear ya. I did not change my name after getting married and I get a lot of flak for that from relatives and strangers alike. 21st century indeed
As for anagrams how about Larch-Neck 😛
Love Larch-Neck! Thx.
My husband and I thought about picking a name together as our own. In the two cultures I follow Native American spirituality and the kundalini yoga culture names can mean quite a lot. I remember as a kid I couldn’t wait to change my name, being as my last name did not reflect my culture or heritage at all and it was a name in the media all the time, I didn’t want to be associated with that.
I actually have quite a connection to my husband’s family name, and it reflects my heritage a lot more than my name did. Still, we use pen names and spiritual names in the fashion of avid web forum users. In some ways I think the internet gave me the courage to really go with the identity changes we all go through in the teen and early adult years. I’m 27 and I actually know lots of other women and men who have done the non-traditional or the traditional for different reasons. As well as quite a few who created their own name for their family.
As it is we all have different names in my family, but we have variations of the same names.
Dont mind that. What is important is that your kid has a Legit Family and a Legit name. 😀 Its a little bit frustrating sometimes though but just keep your cool. Milo might be able to embrace his own name when he grows up. 😀
A name doesn’t identify who we really are. Even though the insurance company was insensitive and asked about the “natural father”. You know we’re just a number to them. Well thats how I see it at least. So I say name your children what you want and let them be who they become!
Geez…what a pain in the kiester!
I DID take my husband’s name and STILL had issues with insurance – because everyone is under my insurance – me, the husband, my 3 sons.
Every single year I had to PROVE that we didn’t have additional insurance through my husband…who is a stay-at-home Dad.
Interesting post.
Cute picture of an American child, whatever he’s called.
Did your decision to keep your maiden name predestine your child to be a WASP? It’s hard to tell if you think being a WASP is a matter of birth or a matter of money….
I found reading through the comments to this post really interesting, because in Australia there is much more acceptance of women not changing their names to their husband’s. All of the kids’ mothers in my neighbourhood kept their own names, as did my mother, and as far as I know she’s never been hassled about it personally or by medical/insurance people. I’m not planning to change my name either. So I’m kind of shocked and disappointed by the situation in the US…
I definitely understand where you are coming from. I have an asian mom and a white dad so my name is much whiter than I look. Which is fine, but I think it’s great that your child has both names. It’s a more accurate representation of who he is. Just like your given name is important to you and your heritage. People should do what feels right for them!
I guess I don’t get it. Lots of people divorce, remarry and have more children. There are a ton of people out there with different names than their mothers. So, why the big fuss? I don’t understand why a simple “no” was not enough for that insurance agent.
Like your post! I’m getting married next summer and am also grappling with the thought of changing my name – mine is much more simple than yours – it’s going from one Irish name to another – yet I still feel like I’m sacrificing a part of my identity by taking his name. It’s been on my mind a lot lately.
Nice post, i think the most important thing here is the family relationship, love each other with dad, mom and child. Don’t care too much about name, surname or something else. Regard.
It seems like in this day and age one should not have to struggle so with having a different name. It seems pretty common now that many married women do not take their husband’s names and you think the insurance company might have figured that out by now. Of course the real issue is that they’re trying to save money by not having to pay the whole claim, and were so clouded by the thought of having to pay out money that they coudn’t see the insensitivity of their comments.
That said, I’m a traditionalist, and got married when at a time when most women took their husband’s name. I had a long Polish name that no one could pronounce or spell and was pretty ready to give it up by then for my husband’s short, anglo name. Now if his name had been something dreadful, not sure what I would have done.
In any case, your lovely story brought you to Freshly Pressed, so that’s a good thing.
I don’t really know about this… to me it just seems a little bit blown out of proportion.
Sure the usage of the word ‘natural’ is a little strange, but I don’t think it’s strange that they called to confirm. The insurance agent on the phone has never met you or your child, all they have to go by are names, and by your choice they are different names. I don’t think it’s a crime that they are verifying, there are so many reasons why I think they did and they should.
If you think that the issue over the name is bad, imagine what it is like to be someone who looks different from one of their parents as I imagine your son may experience later in life.
I am half Jamaican and half Caucasian, and whenever I go out with my Caucasian mother to eat we are always asked if the bills will be separate or together… and this has been going on since I was 12 or so.
I’m not going to go around venting about how unfairly treated I feel I am, etc, etc, because honestly I don’t. I don’t expect the entire world to conform to what is still a minority ideal. I also do not feel offended when people check because the reality is that there are so many valid reasons why they should. I feel a better approach is to try and educate people rather than immediately go into defense mode.
Great story to illustrate how narrow the world can be. My kids both have my last name, and even though I am married to my husband, he has his own, different last name. My husband often is called Mr. (insert my last name) because people assume that my kids and I have his name. To complicate matters even more, my two kids are adopted, so they have their pre-adoption names as middles, and it was tough grappling with whether to give them one of our last names or not. They can decide for themselves when they are adults.
Thanks for this story.
I love this post. Our family has a slightly different situation. My mother kept her name when she got married and all three of us kids have her last name, not our father’s. It’s for a simple reason: we’re the last in line for our last name and he’s got at least 20 people in his family to carry it on. It’s part of who she is and she didn’t want to see it die out. I’m very proud and happy to have my last name and I’m really on the fence about whether I’ll change it when I get married. It’s always kind of interesting to see people’s reactions when I tell them that I have my mom’s last name. Usually though, the reaction is fairly positive.
Perhaps that insurance agent doesn’t have the capacity of thought that WordPress bloggers do! I’ve had this same idea on my mind for quite some time. My mother is a single mother and as a result, I took her last name. And now that marriage seems is becoming a not so distant event, I’ve wondered the same thing. I like my last name better. Is that so bad? It isn’t even a question of identity because I know who I am, and my name wouldn’t alter that. But is it so bad that I like my last name better than his? I’ll most likely take his name because I do like the idea of sort of being one, but that means I’ll be getting more influence on the first names of our children 🙂
This was an interesting post to read. I just got married and my family was really confused when the name switcheroos started. My fiance dropped the hyphenated part of his name that was his mother’s maiden name. Instead of Wohl-Corbin, it’s just Corbin. She had remarried anyway, so the Wohl was long gone. I dropped my middle name (I always disliked it), threw my last name in as my middle, and took the Corbin as my last. Some people just don’t understand the freedom of choice we have nowadays.
Anyway, congrats on FP! marlowesnymph.wordpress.com
Ah, the need in everyone to categorize or attach to a familiar reference…..it’s understandable. I changed my name even though my husband and I are different ethnicities because I thought it brought about a more practical unity to us all as a family. And I still think it does. But because my children look so different than me, I still get questions. So there will always be something when you mix things up….different ethnicities, adoption, step families, divorce, etc. But for us, I’m very glad we have the same last name. Why make things so complicated for children….the interesting part of life will be who they are anyway…not just their name.
I have a seventeen year old who’s name is lets just say its Jane Doe Roe. Her father’s last name is Roe. It didn’t matter once she entered school. Her name was Jane Roe. I am Mrs. Roe. Its a losing battle. In my opinion, it would have probably been just as easy to change my name as to deal with it for so long. It just is annoying to deal with in my personal life. I was well established and published in my career. You just become Ms. Doe at work and Mrs. Roe at school and at home and at the bank and at the doctor’s office.
Until you are driving with a car full of teenage friends who call you “Mrs. Roe” and your child feels it necessary to “stick up for you” and say, “it’s Ms. Doe” and there is the overwhelming unspoken teenage voice of **** AAaaawkwaaaarddddd***** in the car, you just can’t appreciate how meaningless it all is. Well, it makes you question your keeping your “identity” and just going with what exists in our culture. In my opinion, its an uphill battle that you will lose. Primarily because of your children’s friends, their parent’s, doctor’s offices and teachers. Good luck with it.
The heart of your writing whilst appearing reasonable at first,
did not really settle properly with me after some time. Somewhere
throughout the paragraphs you managed to make me a believer but
just for a while. I however have got a problem with your jumps in
logic and you would do well to fill in all those breaks. In the
event you can accomplish that, I could definitely end up being
impressed.
A very good read! 😉 Adorable Milo!
Small world, my maiden name was Sabine Clark (pronounced Sabina).
I completely understand where you are coming from. I too married late and being a lawyer with an established name in my profession, it was pretty difficult to change from my maiden name to my husband’s name.
In the Philippines (I am also Asian), the forms too do not help. They just don’t get it why I haven’t taken on my husband’s surname.
Travelling abroad also is burdensome. With different last names, we end up being seated in different rows or get two double beds instead of one king size bed.
Am pregnant now, and I can imagine what my kids will go through as well.
This is ridiculous! It’s a shame that there’s still people in this day and age that think it’s perfectly acceptable to make assumptions like this, especially in a professional capacity!
My mother & father’s surname was Conebar, as was mine and my brother’s, until they were divorced around nine years ago. Since then, I’ve changed my surname back to my mother’s maiden name of Christmas, my mother has re-married and now has the surname Pitchley and my brother is in the process of changing his name to something easier to pronounce than “Conebar”, as he is about to make his mark professionally and doesn’t want to be one of those confusing name people. Haha.
Under our roof we have three very close people, two children and their mother, all with different surnames. That doesn’t change our family relationship at all. In fact, we could all be completely nameless and still be just as strong together. Some people should realise that a surname isn’t the be all and end all of a family.
These match my thoughts exactly. People who are attached to their name are less likely to want to change and care more about it. I had two maiden names, one birth and one adopted, then a brother who had his dad’s last name and then I got married and took my husband’s name. And for me a name is important energetically, but not as an identity. The Human Being I am is not dependent on the name I am called. If that were true, there would be only one language.
Milo is adorable and I would take exception with my husband saying that Milo can choose later. Everyone in the family should be on the same page as to why he has both names…in honor of the heritage of BOTH parents. My son-in-law to be has his mother’s maiden name as his middle name. He is 30, so it has been an ongoing thing for as long as Humans have been talking I suppose! 🙂
What a provocative post! Perfect for FP, congrats!! AmberLena
Great post Sabina 🙂 My little girl’s dad and I are getting married next summer and we have decided on the VERY rare option of having our whole family take my last name, including him. Hehe…I can’t imagine the conversations we will have with the highly conservative folks in central Switzerland!! I think Milo is one lucky boy to have such a strong and independent mommy. Congrats on FP.
Congrats, Shenoa! Aurelia is a lucky girl to have a mommy like you. Thanks for checking in.
We have no kids, but I face this issue — with the last name of Kelly marrying a man named Lopez. Do I look Hispanic? No. I’m also an established author and writer, so have a professional attachment to my birth name. He’s hinting he’d like me to change it, but I doubt I will.
I grew up in Canada and live in the U.S.; I suspect, like Australia, things are more relaxed in my home country than in the socially conservative U.S.
Thank you for this post. I’m engage to be married next year and am already having anxiety about what to do with my name. I’m very attached to the name I have and even though I am fairly young and unaccomplished, it is part of who I am. For me to change it would be a very personal choice. Thank you for sharing your reasons not to change it with us.
Great post and you have a cute kid
I don’t think I will want to change my name as my last name is very unique. And like you felt about changing your name as you are known as Sabina Chen professionally, I feel like my name is my own personal identity and to change it would be to change myself.
Great post,
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This is a very interesting post 🙂
I also do not change my name 🙂 Sometime people make a wrong assumption
Please visit my blog and I would be more than happy if you are willing to share your thought there 🙂
Yulia
http://www.mylifeismyrainbow.wordpress.com
I was 37 with my first. I hyphen-ated my last name. I say Keep it simple. One name, any name, it’s less of a paper chase….
spread the humor:charlywalker.wordpress.com
I belong to a proper Hindu Indian family which has a patriarchal society. We are only two sisters and no brothers. Both me and my sister have the wish to carry on our maiden names after marriage. The reason is very simple-who will carry the name of our family and our clan? I don’t want the name of my parents vanishing in the air as soon as i get married.
Why do we have such stupid notions still prevailing in our society even when we are heading towards the knowledge era? What about the sir name which I used to take with so much proud? I won’t let it go so easily.
One thing is for sure- I will remain RASHI VAIDYA forever. No person on this earth can change the fact. Yeah i can add another name after VAIDYA (my maiden name). No big deal in that. But i will remain as Ms.Vaidya………m seriously lovin it 😉
I wonder what I would have said if they’d asked about my kids “natural” father? I adopted my kids alone. They father(s) are unknown and very little was known of their birth mother. I guess I’d think it was an unintentionally stupid question at this point–8 years ago I likely would have gone ballistic! lol… Glad you are letting your kid be who he wants to be. Interesting blog–found it on WordPress start page.
i love your writing! you are very talented:)
I admire your courage on being firm to keep hanging on to your heritage name…..well Milo will hopefully make his choice. How about Clarkhen??
Just a suggestion…
congratulations to you and milo 🙂
Well put! It’ll be nice when people are seen as people, and not judged on the basis of their name, ethnicity, or choice of footwear (’cause sometimes the basis seems so random).
http://goingsteadyblog.wordpress.com/
I totally hear where you’re coming from. My mother never changed her name when she married, first or second time. Her name is C, my dad’s is M, and I am Megan Ruth M C. It’s always a hassle to explain to anyone – especially since my parents are divorced as well, and Mum has always gone by ‘Ms’, which everyone seems to think means ‘I’m divorced’.
Just be glad you don’t have to deal with a whole second marriage in there: my half-brother from my mother’s second marriage (second husband named R) USED to be called Duncan Alexander R C, but since the divorce his father has double-barrelled the R and the C, so my little brother has a different surname from me and my older brother.
While I don’t have a problem with changing my last name when I marry, or with using ‘Miss’ before I’m married and ‘Mrs’ after I’m married (my mother objected to being forced to divulge her marital status in all her paperwork when men can just use ‘Mr’); I totally understand the complexity of the decision and the fact that in this day and age, I shouldn’t have to explain myself to airport authorities when I declare that my dad is my dad, even though we have different names on our passports. And you shouldn’t have to explain to every official-type person who sniffs around your way that just because you don’t want to take your husband’s name doesn’t mean you’re not a legitimate married couple in love.
Last anecdote before I go: a ‘friend’ of mine once mentioned to me that she thinks that if a woman doesn’t change her name when she marries, it’s less of a commitment and doesn’t seem to show the same ‘love and devotion’ as a marriage where the name has been changed. We don’t really talk these days 😛 And this friend was a girl!!! It just goes to show that even in these supposedly forward-thinking days, people can be so narrow-minded and old-fashioned. Good luck to you: you’re right about the questions and puzzled looks continuing, but wrong about your son’s choice in the ‘Chen’ part of his name. Just look at my WordPress username: did I mention that the ‘M’ on my dad’s side stands for Madill?
i suggest milo claren. i didn’t change my name when i got married, partly because i like my name and partly because my husband’s younger sister has the same first name. there’s already enough confusion as it is. i know a lot of people who change there name when they have kids to make it simpler. but why do we have to make things simpler for other people? stick to your guns!
I took my husband’s last name…but mostly because it was way cooler than mine (slightly joking). As for our kids? I guess if they really don’t like their name…they can change them. I’m due with #1 this Feb…so only time will tell.
I love the name Milo! So cute! Insurance people are usually not too global minded so I wouldn’t let them get you down. 🙂
Wow this is inspiring! I really enjoyed your post .Love the photographs and your story!Thank you for sharing that. I was waiting for someone with the correct perspective and background to post something.
Good post, please do write more such posts.
Things are definitely more complicated now and you’d think that people would know!
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I can see where you’re coming from though. Maybe I would have thought it funky if my husband had one of those difficult to spell and pronounce Slavic names or a name that doesn’t really match up to my ethnicity. Even though my husband is predominately native American, his last name is an English name (my maiden name is uncommon – but it’s also an English name) so I didn’t give it a lot of thought.
I just got tired of explaining to school bureaucrats, insurance crazies, library staff and to everybody else who felt entitled to know everything about my past. It was so unfair to my son that there was this constant assumption about him being an illegitimate (what the f*^^ is that anyway?) child.